Having visited Italy more times than I could count (roughly around 180 days in aggregate), it doesn't qualify me to write an expert guide like my travel writer idol Rick Steve or get an advance from a publisher to travel and write about the said travel, but I think IMHO I'm as ready as I'm going to be to present "The Sarcastic Guide to Travel: Italy Edition."
1. Travel is all about meeting the people and getting to know their culture. I'm not here to criticize those who act like everyone should speak English in non-English speaking worlds. Rather, I'm here to teach you how to speak Itaglish or Entalian. First, if you speak English while waving your hands wildly or rubbing your chin with the back of your fingers like in Godfather, you would be amazed how much more Italians understand you. Next, if you know a little bit of high school French (Canadians, eh) or high school Spanish (Americans), use the Latin root of the word and change the vowels at the end to -o and -a, or -i for plural, while still gesturing wildly with your hands, you will have a better chance to be understood. Last, speak passionately! It's all about the "accent-o" (see how the second rule of thumb works really well)!
2. Are you an early bird? Are you an early bird who goes for a run or finishes your workouts before the mass awakes for the day? Worse yet, are you one of the above who posts your workout activity on social media before the mass awakes for the day? If so, you've got a real problem according to this unscientific article that I'm too lazy to find the link at the moment. In Italy, night owls are the winners! Most tourist attractions and shops don't open until mid-morning, and even if the ticket office says it opens at 10:30am, it's just an estimation. Though if you want to beat the crowds, it doesn't hurt to get there a few minutes early and join all the gringos in the queue.
3. Speaking of queues (okay, I know it's called a line in USA), here is my biggest tip on avoiding the crowds: Don't go where the crowds are at! Go off the beaten paths, I say! I'm always reminded of when I went to Cinque Terre almost a decade and a half ago, it was considered "off the beaten paths" at the time, but nowadays to control the number of visitors, one must pay to hike in "nature." Seek new, undiscovered paths because who knows one day your path would be the most followed (most instagrammed and most tweeted, or whatever else the next app is). "But it's my first time in Italy and I haven't seen all the famous sights," you say. Here's another hint: visit during the shoulder or off season! Understandably, you can't trek across Mont Blanc in the middle of winter, or you can if you're into crazy challenges or extreme sports, but for anything indoor like the Vatican or the painting of Last Supper, the cold and the rain won't dampen your mood worse than fighting through the crowds of tourists.
4. What I love most about Italy is that good food and wine doesn't have to be expensive. When ordering wine for dinner, simply ask for the "vino di casa" (house wine). It's as local as it gets! When it comes to gelato, don't waste your calories on just any gelato. This is probably one of the biggest mistakes I've made. Ask around. Look around. Follow your nose. It's worth your time and patience for a taste of strawberry with rosemary or mango with mint.
5. I'm running out of sarcasm for the moment. Here's a new one from cycling in Italy last week. If you see someone wearing the Chianti jersey (logo of Chianti is a rooster),
it is totally acceptable to say to him: "you've got a nice cock!", but make sure he's not in his cycling shoes with cleats and fall backwards when you say that.
Ciao! Arrivederci!
